This whole "being a Proverbs 31 woman" is a tough thing to do. I'm going to openly admit that I have been a complete and utter failure. James 5:16 says "Confess your faults one to
another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual
fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." I am going to confess my faults to you all, and I ask in return that you pray for me.
I've been honest with the ladies in group studies about my depression. It's something I deal with regularly and here lately it has been extremely hard to deal with. It causes problems in my life that are not only mental, but physical and spiritual too. I've gained about ten solid pounds and my spiritual life has dwindled in the last few weeks. It's funny how when you get depressed, Satan seems to pop his head out and he begins to mess with you. I feel like during a bout of depression, I'm playing the whack-a-mole game where you bop the mole on the head but then he pops up in another hole. You never really get rid of him unless you beat the machine to death, or unless you give up. Last week, I gave up. I didn't finish my fight, I didn't keep the faith. These Wednesday night lessons have meant the world to me because I felt that God led me to do them. It's something I have been passionate about from the beginning. At first it was going great. Women were coming, they were discussing God's word, they were fellowshipping with one another, and that's what I had envisioned. The past few months attendance has dwindled, conversation has slowed, and I just feel discouraged and stuck. This past Sunday, Satan got in my ear like a mosquito. I tried to think back to a time when I had ever been so hurt, and I couldn't. I was heartbroken - for my husband. It boiled in me all week. I had made up my mind that I would not step foot in church on Wednesday. I called Carolyn on Tuesday and asked her to teach for me. She did, so I went home as soon as I got off work Wednesday (yes, my sinuses were bothering me very bad, but I'll be honest, it wasn't the only reason I wasn't there). I let my emotions get in-between my priorities and my spiritual job. I quit. I gave up. I surrendered and waved my white flag. I had been defeated. I was too much of a coward to get over my feelings and do God's will. For the rest of the week I felt horrible. I had debated on even going to church on Sunday because now instead of feeling angry and upset, I felt guilty. I lost my faith and let other peoples actions get to me so much that I lost touch with MY God who does all things and is always there.
Now, I said all that to say this:
The life that a Proverbs 31 woman lives is a hard life to follow. It's hard keeping up with housework, cooking meals, packing lunches, paying bills, working 40 hours a week, and then coming home to make lesson plans for work. Not to mention adding in exercise, studying the Bible, working on hobbies, and being a supportive Preacher's wife when no one else supports him. He gets discouraged (and has been a lot here lately) and it breaks my heart to see him that way because I know how hard he works and studies for the Lord. It's hard to be an encourager and keep everything done, be a dedicated follower of God and work a job. It's even harder to do it all while being depressed, and I know I'm not the only woman in the world who struggles with this. Now since I sat around and felt sorry for myself, my house is a wreck, laundry is piled up, bills were paid late, my studying slacked, and my stomach has stayed in knots. I know that others would look at the situation and think well, God said he wouldn't put more on you than you can bear. He didn't. I teamed up with Satan and together, we put more on me than I could bear. I didn't turn over my biggest problem to God and I didn't forgive. I let something simmer in me so bad that it brought me down. Getting down spiritually will get you down all over if you let it. It's easier to do as God said in the first place and forgive.
"Forbearing one another,
and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even
as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." - Colossians 3:13.
The moral of the story is: Even though we fail and fall on our walk with God, he's always there to pick us back up and set us back on our path. We can't be perfect; never have, never will be. It's hard to accept, but we must and move on. I love you all and hope you continue to have a blessed week.
